I try to keep my posts strictly focused on my teaching and the ups and down of teaching "at risk" kids in a poor urban environment. But in the two weeks since the kids left for summer vacation so much has happened to me personally that I never imagined would impact my teaching so much.
My husband and I through the entire second half of the school year were nervously waiting out the outcome of my pregnancy that we kept fairly quiet because of all the risks involved with my infertility. We made it to 21 weeks with no alarming problems and getting ready to share the news with our friends and family. But we had to share it in the most devastating way. On the last day of school as I was getting ready for my classes my water broke. When I got to the ER the doctors discovered all my fluid was gone and there was not much they could do to help my son. Saturday night our son was born after I developed an infection and labor started on its own. At 21 weeks he was not viable and died very quickly. I'll probably never know why this happened and that is the hardest part for me.
It has been a week since we lost our son and I find myself in a strange place as a teacher.
Unmotivated.
I was on a roll getting everything ready for a long-term sub and an easy-going two months when school started up again. It was important for me to go back for our professional development last week just to keep my mind occupied and not pine over the why's of losing my son. But even around my coworkers who have been so supportive my mindset remained the same.
Unmotivated.
It does not just come from losing my baby, from the let down after so much excitement, it comes from my last experiences with my students. They did not know I was pregnant and even if they did I did not tell them because it's not their business, but regardless, I struggled in teaching them well and their lack of motivation to try their best and demonstrate things independently drained me. I push them to be successful but when I had to step back and have them show me they could do things independently they shut down. From the little kids to the 8th graders, it was completely ridiculous. Having to step away and say they were on their own was hard for me because surprisingly I do care about their learning even when it doesn't seem that way. But after the last 5 months of school I was mentally and physically drained; I think that would have happened pregnant or not.
So here is my summer drastically disrupted and here I am a teacher forever changed by personal tragedy. The planning still needs to get done, but I am not as excited about it. No sense of urgency. Before my mindset was "I have to get this done so I have less to worry about" and it should still be that way but for some reason it isn't.
I don't know what to do with myself personally or professionally. My jobs demands a lot of me and I've always held some guilt about taking days off but there is a new amount of apathy in me that first tells me to take care of myself. Also, coming up on my 4th year teaching in the same school it's time for the kids to be more independent in performing music. I haven't always done the best I could but just as they continue to learn, so do I.
After everything that has happened in the last two weeks I've been forced to reevaluate my career. More so, what else could I do? That is my big conflict after almost 8 years teaching, going back to school is not an option and I don't know what my other options are.
I hope that as I continue to heal mentally and physically more will become clear to me as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Until then, I sit in silent contemplation staring at my unit plans.....
