Something I'm Working On....

Keep an eye out on my TpT for a new addition....one of my favorite songs and I never thought to teach it to my kids!  What was I thinking?!?

Transitions.....

The first semester definitely tested my patience and perseverance as I battled my personal emotions and some unwilling students.  But ultimately the majority of my students are finally performing a the level they should be at.  Now if only  I could figure out those middle school kids who seem to think resisting any attempt to try something new my excitement at teaching them would go up so much.

Over the years as I've grown to become more familiar with Kodaly and Orff the more I find myself enjoying K-5 music more that I thought and maybe High School is a more viable option.  I was lucky in my first two years teaching to have awesome middle school students and it seems that it's gone downhill since then.  I don't know if it's my level of patience, the community, the kids' cultural background, their view of school at this age, or all of the above.  I still wish my middle schoolers could choose their electives which would make a tremendous impact, but who knows.  There is so much stacked against them and a lot of them don't help themselves by resisting any new lesson we teach them.  There are too many factors at play and if one is not resolved, none of them can be.

But despite the strides I've made and the confidence I've found as a teacher in these last for years I find myself in a strange position.

My school will be making big transitions in the next two years.  The details of all of it I do not need to go into.  It has been a very emotional and tense few weeks since our board of directors announced the changes to ours and our administration's surprise.

But such is the nature of charter schools:  they don't meet the expectations of excellence above the district schools, changes are made.  The ones coming are the most drastic in the school's history.

It's left me wondering about the progress of schools in this urban community.  There are very few performing well, charter and district alike and I wonder if governing boards and administrations have stopped and wondered if the issue goes beyond the school walls.

As biased as it could be, I know I work with a very dedicated group of teachers, probably the most determined staff I've seen since I began teaching there, and I am seeing the kids grow tremendously, but just not quick enough to satisfy the powers that be. I'm sure in neighboring schools there are other great things happening but the results are still the same.  So what is the problem?  Culture? Community? Motivation? School? Teaching? Leading? Curriculum? Language?

I think it's all of it.  And unfortunately some of these issues we are in control of and others we are not.  All of these elements of education must be working together and if one is not there then the rest is harder to influence. My school issue isn't just our own, it's the whole community of schools in the area.

Change is hard. It's incredibly hard for kids and when school is the only stable element of a child's life and that school changes it sends kids into a traumatic situation and any trust they built with school will have to be rebuilt and that is easier said than done.

And with the changes coming also comes looking inside of myself and wondering where I go from here.  I have every intention of staying with my school as it goes through these changes, but seeing all of this happen, seeing the devastation in some of my students' eyes when we had to tell them what was happening made me sick to my stomach,  Sick of the system, sick of doing my best to make a change and having it go unappreciated by a few people who look at the numbers and not at the bigger picture of what just happened to our school community.

The fear of an arts teacher came back:  we are the first to go and arts jobs are scarce.  I know my principal is supportive of all the faculty and I should trust them but the warning from teacher education of "be ready to lose your job when changes come" kick in; it's almost instinctual at this point.

My confidence is sinking, not as a teacher but in my ability to do anything else. My confidence has grow as an elementary teacher , lesson and unit planner, and also as a leader, but I don't know if I have the resilience to stay in the classroom while managing the bureaucracy that holds kids in urban communities back.  At the beginning of the year I gave myself this year and the next to figure out for a completely different reason...now I have to add a second factor to that timeline.

Change is hard.

Away We Go!

Where did the week go?  Normally the first week takes its time but it's been going so fast that I still think I have two more days.  Perhaps it is my schedule but the day is over faster than it normally goes.  I have also for the most part been pleasantly surprised by some of my students.  Especially my new third graders who were terrors in second grade.  The usual suspects in 4th and 5th grade are beginning to stir the pot but I'm so hoping that the good ones get a bit braver and don't let those few derail their fun in my class

For the moment my goal of being calm has been going well.  Moving the kids towards being independent musicians is one that has to happen for my sanity and so they can feel like they are accomplishing something.

My favorite group is one of my third grade groups which I was not expecting at all.  A few of the boys are actually trying really hard this time and the girls remain awesome.  They are all willing to work together and laugh when I give them a hard time about not wanting to hold hands and then proceed to hold hands as if to show me they aren't that grossed out by it.  Even the wiggliest child I have ever encountered ever is behaving.  They just seem excited to be there which makes me happy.  And they come right in the middle of my day and it gives me enough energy to finish the day.

On a planning note, my store has been blowing up which still leaves me completely humbled that I plan good stuff for my kids and it's helpful to others.  TpT had a great back to school sale and will be putting on another sale next week! My store is 20% off that day plus extra savings using the promo code BOOST

Happy Back to School!

TpT Sale

Sorry for the late post on this.

I had my first development day today and it was a busy one.

I have a 20% off sale going on now and then take an additional 10% off by using the code BTS14

Some New Things

This will be a quick one today:

Check out my TpT store for new anchor charts for the classroom, with more on the way as I get them together

The End of Summer: Reflection

Where did the time go?  I hate that even with a longer break it still feels like I need more time.

I spent most of June resting after delivering my son and coming to terms with losing him. There is a lot that will remain unanswered but the confidence of my doctors that something like this will not happen again has calmed my mind.  My body has healed and the rest of it will come together eventually.

A lot of my mentality at the beginning of the summer has remained.  Call it a delayed 7-year itch as I start year 8 of teaching.  It just wasn't the best experience I could have had with my students last year...all personal things aside, I've lost a lot of inspiration.  Somehow I'll find a way but I don't know how.  Building a music program isn't easy, and I'm beginning to wonder how long it will actually take to do so.

This is the first year that I'll not have to do any drastic revisions to make to my planning which takes a ton of stress off of me.  I want to be calmer this year and be able to get my students working at an independent level on just about everything.  That is going to take a lot on my end but I'm determined to make it happen.

Definitely one of my more disjointed posts.  I think with so much to prep for and so much that I have been absorbing over the summer my mind is definitely thinking about too much all at once. I have one week of freedom left and I hope as the year starts up I can maintain calmer composure for the sake of my own health in making decisions on where my future in education lies and the challenges I will face in my personal life.

Start of Summer: Reflection

I try to keep my posts strictly focused on my teaching and the ups and down of teaching "at risk" kids in a poor urban environment. But in the two weeks since the kids left for summer vacation so much has happened to me personally that I never imagined would impact my teaching so much.

My husband and I through the entire second half of the school year were nervously waiting out the outcome of my pregnancy that we kept fairly quiet because of all the risks involved with my infertility. We made it to 21 weeks with no alarming problems and getting ready to share the news with our friends and family. But we had to share it in the most devastating way. On the last day of school as I was getting ready for my classes my water broke. When I got to the ER the doctors discovered all my fluid was gone and there was not much they could do to help my son. Saturday night our son was born after I developed an infection and labor started on its own. At 21 weeks he was not viable and died very quickly.  I'll probably never know why this happened and that is the hardest part for me.

It has been a week since we lost our son and I find myself in a strange place as a teacher.

Unmotivated.

I was on a roll getting everything ready for a long-term sub and an easy-going two months when school started up again. It was important for me to go back for our professional development last week just to keep my mind occupied and not pine over the why's of losing my son. But even around my coworkers who have been so supportive my mindset remained the same.

Unmotivated.

It does not just come from losing my baby, from the let down after so much excitement, it comes from my last experiences with my students. They did not know I was pregnant and even if they did I did not tell them because it's not their business, but regardless, I struggled in teaching them well and their lack of motivation to try their best and demonstrate things independently drained me. I push them to be successful but when I had to step back and have them show me they could do things independently they shut down. From the little kids to the 8th graders,  it was completely ridiculous. Having to step away and say they were on their own was hard for me because surprisingly I do care about their learning even when it doesn't seem that way. But after the last 5 months of school I was mentally and physically drained; I think that would have happened pregnant or not.

So here is my summer drastically disrupted and here I am a teacher forever changed by personal tragedy.  The planning still needs to get done, but I am not as excited about it. No sense of urgency.  Before my mindset was "I have to get this done so I have less to worry about" and it should still be that way  but for some reason it isn't.

I don't know what to do with myself personally or professionally. My jobs demands a lot of me and I've always held some guilt about taking days off but there is a new amount of apathy in me that first tells me to take care of myself.  Also, coming up on my 4th year teaching in the same school it's time for the kids to be more independent in performing music. I haven't always done the best I could but just as they continue to learn, so do I.

After everything that has happened in the last two weeks I've been forced to reevaluate my career. More so, what else could I do? That is my big conflict after almost 8 years teaching, going back to school is not an option and I don't know what my other options are.

I hope that as I continue to heal mentally and physically more will become clear to me as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Until then, I sit in silent contemplation staring at my unit plans.....