The "Black" Educator I Have Become

Please excuse my departure from inspiring anecdotes or TpT plugs.

This is going to be a long one. This will probably get personal.  I'm well aware that people may grossly disagree with me.  Heaven forbid this goes viral and I get more attention for this than I want but given the climate in this country and suddenly looking out at my various classes during the day and seeing a bigger rainbow of little faces and see in some of them that they are connecting with me not just because music class is so much fun (pardon my personal bias) but also because I look like them has never struck me more than it has this year.

Historically my school building has been a draw for mostly Latino students.  As the neighborhood gentrifies the cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds of my students are changing.  With the reputation of the new charter in the building with it's first school located in a historically Black neighborhood has spurred more African American families into this neighborhood. It has caused some tension but, kids adapt well and are willing to learn more about their new classmates and accept their similarities and differences.

This year with our transition and in the 6 years in the building I have never seen a bigger mix of Black and Latino kids in the building than I have this year. I saw it for the first time this year: some of the kids' eyes say it all "my teacher looks like me" and I have never felt more responsibility to this group of students like I do now.

But I feel like an impostor.  I know I shouldn't. but I do.

So allow me to digress into my background for a moment because that is what sheds light on my perspectives:

• I am mixed. My dad is Black, my mom is White.
• My parents were for the most part disowned by their extended families because of who they chose to marry (this was in 1983)
• My mom's family eventually came around, and I was raised in an Italian-Irish culture. I don't have a connection with my father's family aside from my grandma.
• I grew up in Westchester county in NY...basically the suburbs of NYC.  I was surrounded by Italians and Irish.  I went to Catholic school and was the only non-white kid in the school.
• I never had an interaction with a person of any other background other than Italian or Irish until we moved to New Mexico
• In New Mexico as I was entering middle school I first attended school with Latino, Asian,  Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Indian, and Native American classmates.
• In New Mexico I was never asked "what are you?" because truly, no one cared. I had no label and I liked it that way.
• I say I grew up "raceless" in New Mexico. It's an interesting place in many ways, and what stands out to me the most is a sense of belonging to something bigger. The undeniable knowledge and energy of living on Native land and the unspoken expectation of all people living there to respect and honor the Native traditions deeply rooted to the land, along with the Spanish traditions that were there long before pioneers found their way out West.
• My Black father was not proud of his heritage, at least from what I was told. This stems from bad blood with his family. It stems from coming up from nothing, becoming highly educated and still feeling like a second class citizen. So he chose to distance himself from his community.  My mom once told me once of the worst things I could do in my father's eyes was bring home a Black boyfriend. My dad once said to me "those boys are nothing but trouble." Keep in mind my dad's perspective and upbringing: born in 1934 in the South to a single teen mom, surrounded by alcoholism, and more I probably will never know. My dad worked his way to a masters degree and never felt respected by his family and a lot more that doesn't need to be shared; I understand now where a lot of the resentment comes from.
• I was educated in private school.  First Catholic school, then a secular 6-12 private school in New Mexico that is still one of the best in the country, and then a private liberal arts college for both undergrad and graduate school.  I viewed public schools as where the "bad kids" went - a place where I wouldn't learn. Understanding how money works now had I known how much my parents sacrificed and worked hard for to put my sister and I through private school, I would have happily gone to public school and worked my ass off if it meant more financial stability for my family.

I still cannot fully explain what drew me to teach in urban schools. Given my upbringing, it seems I should fit better in the 'burbs, for sure I could have gotten a job there simply based on my skin color, because "diversity is great" so say the white-bread school districts.  Thanks, but no thanks, I don't want to be the token tan faculty member who is elevated every time a school or district needs to show how diverse they are.

I never experienced any discrimination because if it was occurring, I had a White mother putting people in their place.  The constant phrase I remember hearing from her was "be glad her father isn't having this conversation with us.  I know that I was raised to see myself as no different than any other person. New Mexico allowed me to find my identity without a race label.  I have never experienced someone White discriminating me to my face....making assumptions, yes, but I'm stubborn enough to put them in the place in that moment, and I know for sure that some people really don't like their prejudices pointed out to them, but I pride myself on knowing who I am without the race label, and I will not be categorized.

I have been chastised by African Americans for talking White, acting White, and the worst travesty to some: marrying a White guy. A neighbor commented to me once, "I gotta give your husband props...a White guy marrying a girl like you and living in the 'hood."  First off....homeboy needed to look around the block and the neighborhood; it hasn't been the "hood" for a good long time.  The "'hood" is only a few blocks away but even then, what I know of the "'hood", Denver's barely scrape the surface compared to LA, Chicago, or the Bronx.

But I also see and understand that for some minorities this is not the case.  Because they are darker than me, because they have an accent, because English is not their preferred language because they cannot pull off the minority ambiguity like I can.  It is not easy for everyone to climb up from the bottom like my father, it's not all grit, it's also access. I have never had a negative encounter with a police officer, I was not taught to fear the police.

I was also not taught to play the victim card every time an injustice was done.  I am not saying that I believe that some minorities default to coupling the outcries of injustice with victimization.  In the past year and further back there are victims, thousands, except now it is being streamed for the whole world to see as it unfolds.

I am not perfect.  I had my misconceptions about different ethnicities like anyone not exposed to them and so goes the line from Avenue Q "everyone's a little bit racist". But I try to learn about what I don't know no matter ho uncomfortable it may make me or even if I disagree with a position.

So how do I teach my African American, mixed, Latino, Native American, Asian, and White students? How do I have those conversations with my kids who feel discriminated? My first approach is the empathy approach, "try to see it from another's perspective", "assume the best first"? Those don't feel like they fit our cultural climate at the moment. Kids can't be too quick to make the assumption that they are being targeted or simply that because someone white is saying it that it is automatically racist.  But at the same time, that fire of social justice is getting bigger inside me and I want my students to stand up to the injustices but in a smart way; stay true to yourself and your cause but be so street smart and so book smart that no one has a choice but to listen to you.  It's a work in progress for me.

I hear the echoes of "All Lives Matter" and while I agree, I also see that when one group is so marginalized, constantly targeted, constantly killed, constantly blamed for the problems in our society, do all lives really matter? I'm not on the All Lives Matter train because I see that for those that call out that phrase that it's only the lives that they deem worthy.  If all lives mattered those people should be standing alongside the BLM protesters

At the end of the day, all I want is for my students to get to their goals and be happy with themselves.  But there is so much they have to carry with them: the first in their families to graduate, to get a degree, to stay out of prison, to purchase a home, to gain their citizenship, and so much more.  That is nothing I had to accomplish on top of just getting a bachelor's degree.  I am immersing myself so much into the movements in the world today to find a way to build their strength, their perseverance, their belief, and their hope.

I do more than just teach.  I have no choice. I have to do more.