Today I am Happy because...

• I needed a brave face for the first hour of the day. By the end of my first class the brave face was gone and I was singing and dancing with my students and genuinely happy.
• All but two of my students came to school today (99.1% attendance)
• Music makes everything a little easier
• My students love a challenge
• Kindergartners dance like no one is looking...even at lunchtime
• Bonds and mill levys passed which means a turf field and a gymnasium for my school
• Denver overwhelmingly passed the mill levy and bonds while suburban districts flat out rejected similar measures or barely passed them.
• I live in a progressive state in a city that is growing and embracing progress in all directions.
• My husband loves me and I love him.  We weathered our first two years of marriage suffering the loss of our son and daughter we never got to meet...we can get through anything 
• I have had the amazing privilige to have gone to high school and college with and incredible mixed bunch of compassionate, mindful, and forward-thinking men and women of all sizes, colors, cultures, and beliefs. We grew up and cleaned up nicely.
• I saw what the map would have looked like if only Millenials could vote and I have never been more proud of my first students who got to vote for the first time.  I have a great amount of hope because I know these kids, I know their hearts and they will bring a powerful change that will be more powerful than the one we are coping with now.

I cannot say today was a hard day.  By far my hardest day was six years ago comforting my students after another student we all loved so much was brutally murdered. It still hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in 32 years on this earth, more so than when my babies died.  Today I felt more like an adult than I ever felt responding to an election; I felt resonsible.  

It is only the fourth presendital election I have ever voted in. My first was in college as a sophomore in 2004...I had no idea what I truly wanted to do with my life and was just figuring out what I stood for, and, well, I was more focused on getting through colllege more than anything else.  In 2008 I felt inspired because I helped make history.  In 2012 I felt it an obligation, not entirely enthusiastic. In my 5th year teaching I had not seen the changes come that I wanted for my students and the entire education system; that is when I began to accept that the system would not change for my students and that schools on their own would have to find a way to make that happen without the help of the government. This year as a democrat I did my part but I went into it not at all excited, just happy to have sent my ballot in and ready for it all to be over. With all the tensions that already existed I just felt that we would feel optimistic for a while and then drift back into stagnation. Years ago I chose to stay away from negative energy, which held me back from getting active in anything involving politics or social justice.  For my own sanity I have to do this, but I am resolved to speak up more, motivate, and inspire the best way I can.

5am comes fast, and my little ones don't wait.  I have a job to do that is more important than any job of an elected official. My job never stops....my vocation is needed...it will always be needed.

The "Black" Educator I Have Become

Please excuse my departure from inspiring anecdotes or TpT plugs.

This is going to be a long one. This will probably get personal.  I'm well aware that people may grossly disagree with me.  Heaven forbid this goes viral and I get more attention for this than I want but given the climate in this country and suddenly looking out at my various classes during the day and seeing a bigger rainbow of little faces and see in some of them that they are connecting with me not just because music class is so much fun (pardon my personal bias) but also because I look like them has never struck me more than it has this year.

Historically my school building has been a draw for mostly Latino students.  As the neighborhood gentrifies the cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds of my students are changing.  With the reputation of the new charter in the building with it's first school located in a historically Black neighborhood has spurred more African American families into this neighborhood. It has caused some tension but, kids adapt well and are willing to learn more about their new classmates and accept their similarities and differences.

This year with our transition and in the 6 years in the building I have never seen a bigger mix of Black and Latino kids in the building than I have this year. I saw it for the first time this year: some of the kids' eyes say it all "my teacher looks like me" and I have never felt more responsibility to this group of students like I do now.

But I feel like an impostor.  I know I shouldn't. but I do.

So allow me to digress into my background for a moment because that is what sheds light on my perspectives:

• I am mixed. My dad is Black, my mom is White.
• My parents were for the most part disowned by their extended families because of who they chose to marry (this was in 1983)
• My mom's family eventually came around, and I was raised in an Italian-Irish culture. I don't have a connection with my father's family aside from my grandma.
• I grew up in Westchester county in NY...basically the suburbs of NYC.  I was surrounded by Italians and Irish.  I went to Catholic school and was the only non-white kid in the school.
• I never had an interaction with a person of any other background other than Italian or Irish until we moved to New Mexico
• In New Mexico as I was entering middle school I first attended school with Latino, Asian,  Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Indian, and Native American classmates.
• In New Mexico I was never asked "what are you?" because truly, no one cared. I had no label and I liked it that way.
• I say I grew up "raceless" in New Mexico. It's an interesting place in many ways, and what stands out to me the most is a sense of belonging to something bigger. The undeniable knowledge and energy of living on Native land and the unspoken expectation of all people living there to respect and honor the Native traditions deeply rooted to the land, along with the Spanish traditions that were there long before pioneers found their way out West.
• My Black father was not proud of his heritage, at least from what I was told. This stems from bad blood with his family. It stems from coming up from nothing, becoming highly educated and still feeling like a second class citizen. So he chose to distance himself from his community.  My mom once told me once of the worst things I could do in my father's eyes was bring home a Black boyfriend. My dad once said to me "those boys are nothing but trouble." Keep in mind my dad's perspective and upbringing: born in 1934 in the South to a single teen mom, surrounded by alcoholism, and more I probably will never know. My dad worked his way to a masters degree and never felt respected by his family and a lot more that doesn't need to be shared; I understand now where a lot of the resentment comes from.
• I was educated in private school.  First Catholic school, then a secular 6-12 private school in New Mexico that is still one of the best in the country, and then a private liberal arts college for both undergrad and graduate school.  I viewed public schools as where the "bad kids" went - a place where I wouldn't learn. Understanding how money works now had I known how much my parents sacrificed and worked hard for to put my sister and I through private school, I would have happily gone to public school and worked my ass off if it meant more financial stability for my family.

I still cannot fully explain what drew me to teach in urban schools. Given my upbringing, it seems I should fit better in the 'burbs, for sure I could have gotten a job there simply based on my skin color, because "diversity is great" so say the white-bread school districts.  Thanks, but no thanks, I don't want to be the token tan faculty member who is elevated every time a school or district needs to show how diverse they are.

I never experienced any discrimination because if it was occurring, I had a White mother putting people in their place.  The constant phrase I remember hearing from her was "be glad her father isn't having this conversation with us.  I know that I was raised to see myself as no different than any other person. New Mexico allowed me to find my identity without a race label.  I have never experienced someone White discriminating me to my face....making assumptions, yes, but I'm stubborn enough to put them in the place in that moment, and I know for sure that some people really don't like their prejudices pointed out to them, but I pride myself on knowing who I am without the race label, and I will not be categorized.

I have been chastised by African Americans for talking White, acting White, and the worst travesty to some: marrying a White guy. A neighbor commented to me once, "I gotta give your husband props...a White guy marrying a girl like you and living in the 'hood."  First off....homeboy needed to look around the block and the neighborhood; it hasn't been the "hood" for a good long time.  The "'hood" is only a few blocks away but even then, what I know of the "'hood", Denver's barely scrape the surface compared to LA, Chicago, or the Bronx.

But I also see and understand that for some minorities this is not the case.  Because they are darker than me, because they have an accent, because English is not their preferred language because they cannot pull off the minority ambiguity like I can.  It is not easy for everyone to climb up from the bottom like my father, it's not all grit, it's also access. I have never had a negative encounter with a police officer, I was not taught to fear the police.

I was also not taught to play the victim card every time an injustice was done.  I am not saying that I believe that some minorities default to coupling the outcries of injustice with victimization.  In the past year and further back there are victims, thousands, except now it is being streamed for the whole world to see as it unfolds.

I am not perfect.  I had my misconceptions about different ethnicities like anyone not exposed to them and so goes the line from Avenue Q "everyone's a little bit racist". But I try to learn about what I don't know no matter ho uncomfortable it may make me or even if I disagree with a position.

So how do I teach my African American, mixed, Latino, Native American, Asian, and White students? How do I have those conversations with my kids who feel discriminated? My first approach is the empathy approach, "try to see it from another's perspective", "assume the best first"? Those don't feel like they fit our cultural climate at the moment. Kids can't be too quick to make the assumption that they are being targeted or simply that because someone white is saying it that it is automatically racist.  But at the same time, that fire of social justice is getting bigger inside me and I want my students to stand up to the injustices but in a smart way; stay true to yourself and your cause but be so street smart and so book smart that no one has a choice but to listen to you.  It's a work in progress for me.

I hear the echoes of "All Lives Matter" and while I agree, I also see that when one group is so marginalized, constantly targeted, constantly killed, constantly blamed for the problems in our society, do all lives really matter? I'm not on the All Lives Matter train because I see that for those that call out that phrase that it's only the lives that they deem worthy.  If all lives mattered those people should be standing alongside the BLM protesters

At the end of the day, all I want is for my students to get to their goals and be happy with themselves.  But there is so much they have to carry with them: the first in their families to graduate, to get a degree, to stay out of prison, to purchase a home, to gain their citizenship, and so much more.  That is nothing I had to accomplish on top of just getting a bachelor's degree.  I am immersing myself so much into the movements in the world today to find a way to build their strength, their perseverance, their belief, and their hope.

I do more than just teach.  I have no choice. I have to do more.

The Roll Out

I have come to the end of a grueling 6 weeks of professional development - the kids come back on Tuesday.

Although my summer was short it feels like my downtime was months ago.

I began with my Level I Orff training which was one of the most amazing experience I've had in quite some time. I'm pumped to move on to Level II and III; I just hope I can find the money and there are no gaps in time.  I find myself still processing everything and then getting overwhelmed by how many choices I have.  I never knew what a full brain felt like until then.

Immediately after I finished Level I I was attending my new school's Summer Institute as they call it.  This caused more anxiety than I wanted. I was still wondering if I was making the right choice, I was worried about how I would be received as a returning teacher from the school that was being turned around by this new charter.  I can happily say it wasn't what I expected.

Day one was discussion of why we are here, what is happening in the community and where our students stand.  I was re-invigorated, angered that in 10 years there was still so much that needed to be done.  I was angry because I'm truly a part of the community.  I live less than a mile from my school, this is not just a community I serve, the stakes are higher because I live here too.  I also felt the other staff there with me fill with the same kind of energy to move mountains.

I'm in a strange place now as I move into my 10th year teaching and I'm now one of the older teachers in the building, which is unnerving to me but I felt nothing but support and respect from everyone in helping me to hone my skills and in seeking me out to learn about the kids and what led my school to close. It has been a while since I was around such eager teachers and so immediately supportive of each other.

The energy is good.

I have a lot to do in learning the school culture and firm up my skills while building a stronger music curriculum.  It's a lot to do but I'm willing to do it.

There isn't much more for me to say as my mind is going full speed remembering what I need to do for the day tomorrow and get set for the kids on Tuesday.

Closing Out the Year

The final bell has rung of final year of my school, my room is empty of my things and I'm in awe that I managed to consolidate my personal items to four average-sized bins.  I'm also relieved that I will be returning to my classroom next year so I can take my time to inventory what I have.  I can't believe how much I acquired in 5 years personally and purchased for me by the school.

Again the bittersweet feelings come up knowing that today I leave this building for 6 weeks and when I come back it will essentially be a new building.  New school, new people.  I am not as doubtful or hesitant as I was a few weeks ago about choosing to stay on with the new charter program coming in (which is an entirely different post I am working on). It goes without saying I will miss a lot of the people in this building.  We lost a lot of staff and returning last August was a major struggle for me not seeing "my people"; I am bracing for a lot of emotions this time. It is hard to feel as emotional as others might knowing I will be back, I'll still have our kids.

The biggest jump I'll be making in my career is being exclusively an elementary music teacher.  My heart fell away from teaching middle school.  I hate to lay that change of heart on my students but that is where a lot of it stems from. Without a doubt I have fantastic middle school students.  Once struggling through toxic classmates and the general hormones of 6th and 7th grade my now 8th graders, my original 4th graders have come back around to being incredible kids; I just wish it hadn't taken so long for them to get themselves in order.

The effort to motivate my middle schoolers to work independently and be ok in failing at first was emotionally exhausting.  Not to mention having to cope with my own emotional struggles away from work over the last 3 years, I realize how overwhelmed I truly was.  When I did finally step away and declare to the kids "after (x number) of years of practicing and me guiding you through all of this, you have to now work this out on your own" did I see a select group of them buckle down and struggle to success.  It was the ones (not many however) who gave up once I stepped back who wore me out.

And then a year ago my first KIPPsters graduated. As I sat and listened to their speeches and their principal list the massive number of college acceptances, amazing test scores, scholarships, and their contributions to their school and community (this also does not count my kids who did not stay at KIPP but continued to be high achievers at their respective schools) did I realize that these 80 kids completely skewed my mindset of how middle school students should be.

Yes through middle school they had their moments of defiance and general lack of common sense, but they were very easy to talk to and rationalize with on how some choices might not have been good to make.  They accepted their consequences and grew from them. They clung to their teachers for support whenever they needed it which is why I am still in contact with so many of them.  They were/are the right group of kids that ended up in the same class together at the right school to help them to their full potential. I was at the right school in my first year of teaching to see what a school should be for urban students.

This is not the case with the middle schoolers I have encountered in the last 7 years. Not to say that they are worse than my KIPPsters, but maybe more immature? Not in the best school environment?Not the best community environment? Too quick to expect to have it their way? I still cannot quite figure it out. There is definitely A LOT happening outside of the school building that I really believe impacts my students, but again, that is for another post.

When I began teaching at my current school 5 yeas ago I had just discovered the real power of Orff.  I loved it and I still do.  When I saw how it really got my little ones learning and producing music I knew I wanted to be an Orff teacher. Before I knew I was staying put and I began looking for other job options I cringed slightly with the idea of teaching middle school. It is a complete turn around from where I was when I began teaching when I would cringe at the thought of teaching elementary school.

I am in awe that as I close out year 9 of how much I have grown as a teacher and how much I have changed in my wants and strengths in being a music teacher.  I still miss conducting and wish I could do it more often, but I'm being pulled in this direction so away I go!

Another Graduation

Last year was a flood of traveling to DU and in between to the graduations of my first group of students at KIPP.

This year my final class that I taught a KIPP graduated tonight.  For as much as I struggled to find my style as a teacher in my first two years teaching at KIPP and as much as it pained me to leave, looking back on it all it was the journey I needed to take to understand what a school should be.  Had I not left KIPP I would not have found Orff; it all happens for a reason.

Hearing my students' names called brought back a flood of memories and laughed with former coworkers about as we watched them walk.  I'm still in awe that I got to teach these kids and see how amazing they ended up.  Had I taught anywhere else in my first two years I'm pretty certain that I would have left teaching.  The memory of those kids keeps me going wanting to be the best teacher I can be

The realization then hit me that there will be a non-stop flow of graduations from this point on.  My first middle schoolers at my current school will be seniors next year and so the flow will continue.  It's my new normal that will never feel normal

Reflections on My 10-Year Reunion

I did not go to my high school reunion in 2012. The date was all wrong, life was hectic,  I didn't want to drive to New Mexico. I knew one day my 10-year college reunion would come and I was unsure of what I would do; I couldn't see that far ahead.

Before I knew it it was 2015, my first students had graduated and gone off to college. I had decided to stay with my school through its closure. My husband and I  also decided to wait on more children after the stillbirth of our son in 2014 and miscarrying a daughter 8 months later. Fully recovered from a surgery to hopefully help my issues this past November and making the decision to stay in my building with the new charter program for this next school year I realized it was now 2016 and my college reunion was upon me.

I had an odd relationship with my alma mater while I was attending. I was excited to attend all through my senior year, then I realized I wanted to teach music and wasn't sure if I was in the right school for that. I was not ultra feminine or ultra feminist and found myself struggling to find my place in college and in a women's college of all places. By nature I am quiet and solitary; I greatly value the time I get to myself and I had a lot in college because I found myself not finding a niche right away.

When I began my college track career I found my place not so much at Scripps but as a part of CMS Athletics, a combining of three of the Claremont Colleges. We did the math once and when we combined the hours dedicated to meets, in-season practice, and off-season practice we found we spent more time on the track than we did in class; this doesn't even count the hours we spent as a team meeting up for dinner, brunch, and parties. But a Scripps athlete was a rare sight when I was there. I will never forget my senior year when the school put on an end-of-year reception for Scripps athletes: the turnout was small.  Myself and a few other track/xc teammates were there and acknowledged how few of us there were and how disappointing it was to see that.  As I returned this weekend I was pleased to see in the student store more CMS apparel and throughout the year the Scripps Facebook page highlighted the accomplishments not only of the Scripps athletes but the CMS Athenas as a whole; there was none of that when I was a student. The new athletic center has helped to encourage wellness and I think the mentality towards serious female athletes who attended Scripps has changed drastically as well. We are no longer overly muscular oddballs who are constantly mistaken for CMC students.  We are Scripps Women and we are Scripps Athletes.

So because of that not so enthusiastic reception I faced on campus as an athlete I found myself with my teammates at CMC more often and I bonded with them quicker. This did not stop me from making strong connections with Scripps classmates but they were quick to point out that once track season was in effect, I was pretty much MIA unless I had a class with my friends. I hope it does not sound like I'm dismissing the bond I made with many wonderful women at Scripps and that I still have, just at the time, balancing them and track was a challenge.

As my students grew, and in particular as my girls grew I realized that I truly was a Scripps woman with a touch of athletic grit and severe bluntness thanks to my track coach. I wanted my girls to be strong and go after an education so they could stand on their own no matter who came in or out of their lives. My student Gaby once pointed out to me how impressed she was that I had survived a year unemployed, found a new job, troubling relationships, and was on my way to purchasing a house all on my own. She then said to me "You did it all on your own. I want to do that too." Even though in that moment I didn't realize that my determination was shaped by Scripps, I was proud that I appeared to my girls as a strong accomplished woman at a time in my life where I was truly struggling to know myself and figure out the path I should take.

Walking around campus taking in the flood of memories it really hit me how lucky I was to be able to attend a school like Scripps. Not just because of the stunning beauty of the campus but also because of the drive to learn as much as I could and to love learning. I wasn't a stellar student, no Dean's List or Cum Laude for me but I was passing my classes and bigger than that, I was learning.  Even though I didn't do well at keeping touch with some of my classmates, when we all came back together it was like no time had passed at all. Each year that goes by and the more I perfect my craft of teaching and also seeing the struggle of kids affording college and schools failing to make kids college ready I find my appreciation for my high school and my college growing. Whether I realized it at the time, probably not, college was the catalyst for shaping who I became and am still becoming.

I never was a fan of reunions, but mark my words, I will come back to my Alma Mater now for every milestone reunion.

March Madness...literally

So have you ever had those times where everything is dumped on you at once?  I'm having a DAY like that and it doesn't look like it will be any different for the next two weeks.  All of a sudden there is too much to do and not enough time or money to get it all done. My normal  level of exhaustion pretty much quadrupled in the last week: countless appointments to make, different schedules starting this week up to spring break, and also trying to find the tuition to finally take my Orff levels classes. On top of that, throw in the time change and not getting enough sleep and I really don't know how I'm still typing somewhat coherent sentences.

So as I regroup for the spring I decided to give my TpT store a boost with sales for the month of March. I am also challenging myself with my activity level and meeting financial goals to pay for my Orff levels.  So far I've been on a roll in my TpT store and I always appreciate the support so much.

Be on the look out for new anchor charts in my store as well once the chaos of the grind up to spring break!